


Our Song

by tukimecca



Category: SHINee
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-23
Updated: 2017-08-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 23:58:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11885595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tukimecca/pseuds/tukimecca
Summary: Jonghyun and Kibum had always been inseparable. Jonghyun was struggling from anxiety disorder and Kibum was the only person he trust. When Kibum was offered to debut, Jonghyun joined him. Together they’re ‘Wefreaky’; Key, the performer and Jonghyun hidden behind J.





	Our Song

Kibum met Jonghyun at tender age of seven. His family just moved to Seoul from Daegu for his father’s work. He had difficulty blending in at the time, with his accent and all, not many people wanted to talk to him because he was different. Sad little Kibum decided he’d take a walk in a park and that was when he saw Jonghyun for the first time.

The boy was sitting on the swing with sun setting on his back. He was illuminated by the diffused, warm golden light. The shadow casted on him accentuated his details: the soft contour of his jaw, the way his lashes fluttered.  Kibum thought he saw an angel; a singing angel.

Their eyes met and Kibum was about to call Jonghyun, to praise his otherworldly singing when they boy’s already big, brown eyes suddenly got even bigger. He stopped singing, voice turning into a whimper as his whole body started to shake. The smaller (yet actually older) boy cowered, in what Kibum could only decipher as fear.

Kibum knew if the boy was not too paralyzed to move, he’d have jumped off from the swing and bolted away. But Jonghyun was conquered with fear that glued him to the swing. Confused and worried, small Kibum approached him.

“Hello, I’m Kibum, are you okay?” he asked tentatively.

It only scared the other boy further which scared Kibum back as well. Kibum reached out his small, stubby hands to rub a gentle circle on The Singing Angel’s hand, hoping to calm him down.

The effect is, sadly, the opposite. He flinched hard and started whimpering before breaking out into a full sob. Kibum flailed. He only wanted to talk to the boy, to praise his singing, how could it ended like this?

His mind was frantic. He tried again talking to the boy but he only cried harder. Kibum almost cried himself when he suddenly found himself singing. He didn’t exactly know why and how, but he remembered he was so entranced by the boy’s singing and thought maybe, maybe he could do the same. So, sing he did and it seemed to do the magic.

Watery brown eyes looked up at him, big, fat tears still rolling down here and there but they gradually stop as Kibum continued to sing. The boy eventually stop crying and listened to Kibum’s singing, sniffing occasionally.

When Kibum was finished, the boy had stopped crying altogether. His eyes were still glassy with tears but instead of in fear, now they’re shining in awe.

“I just wanted to say,” Kibum talked slowly, afraid of making the boy cry again.

The boy visibly flinched, the fear is slowly coming back to his brown eyes. Of course Kibum didn’t know what Jonghyun was thinking at the time; what does he want from me? Why is he talking to me? Why couldn’t he sing instead so I can just listen without talking to him?

If he wasn’t so terrified, he would look away from the other boy’s feline eyes but he couldn’t. Years later, Jonghyun would be thankful because in that moment that seemingly last forever,  he was given the chance, for the first time in his life, to gaze into someone else’s eyes.

And, God, were those pair of feline eyes beautiful.

“Your singing is beautiful, please don’t cry. You should sing more.” Kibum finally said, smiling.

That moment, nobody but Jonghyun know the wonder of a small, shy, and simple, yet very honest smile of Kibum. He thought it’s okay, because he didn’t think he’d like sharing that enchanting smile with anyone.

And Kibum, Kibum had seen beautiful people, beautiful things, before. His mother, his grandmother, daisies that bloomed on his grandmother’s backyard, frill dresses and ribbons his cousins wore on his aunt’s wedding party. But none of them came quite close to the new kind of beauty revealed in front of him right now.

Jonghyun smiled, the last drop of tears trickled down his cheek. His eyes shone, glimmered, flickering like stars in the dark and Kibum swore he forgot the concept of breathing altogether.

When Jonghyun spoke he made Kibum forgot his being, because that must have been the most beautiful sound ever graced Kibum’s ears (he had only been living for seven years but he knew nothing could be more beautiful than Jonghyun, his smile, his eyes, and his voice).

“Thank you, you also sing beautifully. Would you like to sing together with me?” Jonghyun asked timidly, still looking at Kibum’s eyes in rapture.

Kibum said yes. Three years later, he learnt Jonghyun is suffering from anxiety but it didn’t stop him to sing with Jonghyun, to songs they found beautiful, or the song Jonghyun wrote for them.

:::

The casting offer came to him after he finished his performance at school festival. Jonghyun had wrote the song and Kibum performed it with their school’s band. The song, in Kibum’s opinion, was so very Jonghyun; a sensual r&b song that can be described as baby making song.

The already beautiful song was spiced up by Kibum’s unique voice. Jonghyun often told him that his song won’t be perfect until Kibum executed it, “You completed my music, Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun had said multiple times.

It never failed to make Kibum felt like he’s the most blessed person on earth.  At the same time, it always left him with the same feeling; the song would have been more complete if Jonghyun sing it. Or rather, for Kibum, the song is only complete when Jonghyun sing it.

It wasn’t like he downplayed his own singing ability but he always find Jonghyun’s voice perfect, the best thing ever happened to him. Sometimes Kibum felt he was degrading the song by his singing after he listened to Jonghyun’s rendition.

But the elder’s encouraging smile and words, the way his eyes would soften and flicker in adoration whenever Kibum sings diminish the doubt away. He strive to sing better, fix where he was lacking (notes he couldn’t hit, the way his breathe shake so much when he sings certain part, rap that didn’t flow).

Kibum truly believed that he wouldn’t come this far, still continuing music, if it wasn’t for Jonghyun. And the offer was also something he would never get if not for the elder boy. So at the time, it was only fitting for him to accept the offer.

“With one condition, you have to cast my friend as well. He is the producer for the song that I performed,” Kibum announced, voice full with confidence. He knew he probably just blew his chance away; what kind of people give pre-condition when he is scouted, anyway?

One of two scouter who came to him raised his brows in surprise while the other one (the taller one) visibly screwed his face (Kibum can practically read ‘how dare this boy?’ written on it). He waited, completely still and his palms were clammy with sweat.

The shorter man eventually spoke, much to Kibum’s relief, he was smiling, “Could you please elaborate? What do you mean he ‘produced’ the song?”

Kibum launched into full and long explanation at how Jonghyun was the one who composed the song, arranged it, wrote the lyrics, directed the vocal and the band. Kibum took more part in directing the performance, instructing how each member should act while performing, how to engage with the audiences - he’s more gifted in that department.

Jonghyun was the writer, Kibum was the actor. It has always been that way; Jonghyun would craft the idea and Kibum would give it an actual shape. Together, they’re the perfect combination.

The man listened attentively before whispering something to the taller man, who frowned but nodded anyway. They handed him one more name cards and the shorter man (Baek Kwang Soo was his name) told Kibum to bring Jonghyun and his composition to the agency.

“His casting will be a little different, “ Kwangsoo said with a smile, “We don’t usually do this but I get a feeling you two are going be different.”

Kibum thanked the man, bowing at him repeatedly even until he disappeared from Kibum’s view together with the taller man (Park Jihon) who was still looking unconvinced.

Jonghyun had been scared (shitless) when Kibum told him about the offer. He shook his head vehemently, telling Kibum he couldn’t do it, “I can’t, Kibum,” he said morosely, “I have to perform in front of people, you know I can’t!”

Jonghyun was about to run his hand through his hair; a gesture he made whenever he’s frustrated (usually followed with lip biting) and Kibum knew him well enough to stop him, lacing their fingers together before Jonghyun’s fingertips could even reach his ears to clutch his head.

“No, Jjong, listen. You are amazing enough to make them reconsider the offer,” he explained. Jonghyun’s eyes searched his, asking for further explanation, so Kibum continued. “They initially casted only me, but then I offered them to cast you if they want me. And, really, Jjong, they could just let me go, but I think Kwangsoo-ssi found you interesting enough to offer you as well.”

“Me? Interesting? They didn’t even see me, Kibum,” Jonghyun said. Kibum felt the tug on his hand so he stepped closer to Jonghyun, thumbs rubbing Jonghyun’s skin to calm him down.

“They did not see you but they heard you, Jjong. I told them you’re the one who produced our song, our performance. Obviously it was impressive enough for him,” Kibum ensured him. “He told me your casting would be different, I think he was going to cast you as a new composer or something. I don’t know, Jjong. Either way, they want you as well!”

Jonghyun still looked unconvinced so Kibum continued to persuade him, coaxed him. It continued for days but Jonghyun still refused, he even pointedly ignored Kibum when the younger brought the topic of audition up.

Kibum was starting to get desperate until Kwangsoo-ssi called him. Kibum sadly told the man that Jonghyun had anxiety problem and he might not be able to perform in front of people well, “He only sing in front of me or people he’s already comfortable with.”

“You didn’t tell me he can sing, “ Kwangsoo-ssi said over the receiver, sounding surprised and interested at the same time.

Kibum chewed on his bottom lip; persuading Jonghyun was harder than he thought. To be honest, he didn’t want to give up the offer but for Kibum, there’s no meaning to his music if Jonghyun wasn’t there to sing with him, to write songs for him. To say Jonghyun is his reason to sing is not an exaggeration.

He was about to tell the man that he wanted to turn down the offer when Kwangsoo-ssi spoke again, “Okay, I understand. Can you just send us recording of his songs? The one when he’s singing as well?”

“His singing?”

“Yes, Kibum-ssi. To be honest, I’m really interested in his composing, the songs you performed back in the festival was amazing. It was still raw, yes, but it didn’t sound like a song made by amateur. With the right kind of polishing, it could be smashing. I knew a talent when I heard one. And this friend of yours, he had it.” Kwangsoo explained.

He sounded sincere, purely interested in Jonghyun, Kibum believed him, especially after Kwangsoo elaborated more about how he wanted Jonghyun to be, how envisioned this young composer he had never meet would be if he was to be taken under their agency’s wings.

And that’s exactly how he told Jonghyun in the safety of the elder’s boy windowless room where he felt more safe than anywhere else, where it’s easier for him to accept new things, where he felt more confident than anywhere else. His sheet musics were littered all over the floor.

Kibum picked one of them between his fingers, they’re sprawled on Jonghyun’s bed, Kibum on the edge on Jonghyun had his back facing the wall, hands resting atop Kibum’s chest.

“This, Jjong,” Kibum whispered gently, showing Jonghyun the paper, “deserved to be heard. Your music deserved to be heard. You should not let your sound go waste. It is too amazing to be left this way, unheard by anyone.”

Jonghyun stared at him, he still had his doubt but Kibum knew he’s a step closer until Jonghyun eventually relent. “But I, “ he murmured, eyes never leaving Kibum even though his hand moved from his chest to hold Kibum’s fingers. “I don’t want anyone else to sing my song, I just want it to be you, Kibum. I cannot write if it’s not for you.”

Kibum felt a flutter on his stomach. Jonghyun really knew how to win Kibum over. The boy practically wear his heart on his sleeve whereas Kibum was more guarded. His honesty when it comes to Kibum was endearing: Jonghyun lay himself bare in front of Kibum, including his adoration to him.

Jonghyun was so dependent on him and even if some his other friends told him they often find Jonghyun annoying for clinging on him too much, Kibum found the opposite.

They didn’t understand the problem Jonghyun was facing, they didn’t know where they came from. Jonghyun had to deal with his anxiety on daily basis and even it took him years until he eventually warm up to Kibum completely. Jonghyun cherished Kibum, he was his anchor, and while he never openly voiced it out, Jonghyun was also his just as much as he was for the elder.

Jonghyun trusted him the way nobody ever did, that’s why Kibum wanted to return it to him as much if not more. He encouraged Jonghyun to join the school band with him. It took almost a year until Jonghyun can eventually speak with the other member without stuttering too much and direct their music properly. Kibum was thankful the other members were understanding, they respected Jonghyun for his seriousness and musicality.

And now, he had to make Jonghyun take another leap. It’s similar, only this time the bridge to cross was wider. This could affect their future in long term. Music has always been Jonghyun’s passion, he told Kibum he won’t be continuing high school to pursue his music. And now the chance has been given to him.

They probably will still make Jonghyun attend music school but even better; they could have sponsored his music education and give him job right away. A voice in Kibum’s mind told it won’t be that easy but he believed that as long as they’re together, nothing is impossible.

“To be honest, I wouldn’t want to have other people sing your song as well, but,” Kibum tightened his grip on Jonghyun’s when fear flashed on the elder’s face, “I will make sure we will sing together again. Kwangsoo-ssi could make it happen. “

“But it’s not that easy Kibum-ah, that’s not what composing is,” Jonghyun sighed, he started chewing on his bottom lips. Kibum brought his finger to those lips, stopping him effectively as Jonghyun’s eyes found his once again.

“I know, but we can try,” he said quietly with a smile. “Please, Jjong?”

Jonghyun didn’t say yes right away, but three nights later when he appeared by Kibum’s doorstep with his sheet music in hands, there was more conviction than fear in his eyes, “let’s do this.”

Kibum threw his hands around Jonghyun’s shoulders, pulling him into a tight embrace which Jonghyun returned, causing the sheets to fall, spilling all over the floor.

They collected it later, laughing together. They laughed the same way three weeks later but this time,  there were cries and tears, and more embracing, and when they knocked their forehead together, Jonghyun’s warm breath on Kibums’s face, there were more ‘thank you’ and, “The luckiest day of my life is when I met you, Kibum-ah.”

Kibum smiled, he wanted to say the same but Jonghyun’s smile, even five years after their meeting, still managed to steal his breath away. So he settled with a smile, tighter hold of his arms around Jonghyun’s, and he brought their face closer.

-

Kibum trained with another trainee where he discovered he had knack for dancing. He memorized choreography faster than the other trainees, executed moves sharply and faster, lost only to a young boy named Lee Taemin whom he befriended quickly after the smaller boy accidentally stepped on Kibum’s phone (he had looked so scared that Kibum’s anger disappeared in an instant in fear of making the too adorable boy cry).

He made new friends as well; Lee Jinki with his beautiful timbre, Choi Minho who was too tall and too handsome, too well mannered and chivalrous, but has so many doubt about himself. Of course there are other trainees but he spent more time with these three since they share similar schedules.

Jonghyun’s training was different. They made him focus in musical theory (something that Jonghyun, Kibum was sure, instinctively learnt), composing, and arranging. He often find Jonghyun staying so late in the studio, sheets after sheets spilling from the table where he’s scratching on yet another sheets, sometimes humming a beautiful song and some other times worrying his bottom lip in frustration.

The number of song Jonghyun wrote had accumulated to three times than he normally wrote after only two months of training. Kibum was glad that Jonghyun, despite his initial worry, confessed to him he actually like his new routine. The pressure was intense but his instructor and coach were patient enough to drill the knowledge into him.

“Junsong-ssi praised my composition today,” Jonghyun told him. They were in their way home, hand in hand. It was almost eleven at night when they left SM building. Kibum was drained but the bright smile on Jonghyun’s face when he exited the studio had completely recovered his fatigue.

“Which one, Mr. Composer? You have too many and I can name it one by one,” Kibum teased, bumping his shoulder with Jonghyun who laughed in response.

“The one I wrote two days ago, you know, the one you helped me the lyrics with. He said it was brilliant!”

Kibum listened with fond smile as Jonghyun rambled on, telling him more about his days. He was happy for the elder. Jonghyun’s love for music was genuine. His talent was not something they should just leave hidden just because he’s suffering from anxiety.

Kibum was so in love with the sound born from Jonghyun’s mind, Jonghyun heart, because it was honest, sincere. Jonghyun had the ability to convey the emotion into his sound, his lyrics managed to be both simple yet poetic and relatable at the same time.

When he sings his sound, he breathes a life into it like God breathed life into human and other living beings. But it was only for Kibum because for Jonghyun, his song was alive when Kibum sing it.

Kibum knew Jonghyun signed up for this with condition he won’t be the one singing it to public but Kibum still wished Jonghyun would change his mind; he needed people to know the blessing that is Kim Jonghyun’s voice.

Only few people had heard Jonghyun’s singing (or saw him sing in that matter). Other than his coaches and instructors there was Taemin. Jinki and Minho eventually heard him sing when he and Kibum were training together on the rooftop.

Jonghyun was shy at first - like usual, he failed his introduction thrice - until Minho casually slung an arm around Jonghyun’s shoulder and showered him with praises. Jinki’s praise was more simple without excessive gesture but it was enough to make Jonghyun’s confidence skyrocket. Apparently, he often heard about Jinki from his instructors.

Five of them started hanging out together. Jonghyun started to become more well-known around the other trainees. Since his circumstance was different than the other trainee, rumors about Jonghyun naturally surfaced.

The rumors ranged from normal, like he will be the next one to debut so his training was more intense, to downright ridiculous such as Jonghyun was the son of CEO’s mistress and he was trained separately because the mistress threatened to spill his affair to his wife.

Jinki often talked about how he wished five of them could debut together in a team, earning similar answers from the other three but not Jonghyun. Kibum knew the reason but it was okay to hope, he had nothing to lose.

But hope was only hope. Jinki, Taemin, and Minho were called few weeks after new year rolled in. When Kibum saw them again about an hour later, Minho was speaking to his phone with sob in between his words, Jinki staring at space with glassy eyes, and Taemin was crying.

“We’ll be debuting, Kibum,” Jinki said, still shell-shocked. “Three of us will be debuting, in the same group.”

Kibum’s eyes felt hot, he was crying when he smothered Taemin into his embrace, repeating ‘congratulations’ over and over again. He was truly, genuinely happy for this three friends, even if he had to admit his disappointment; the disappointment for not being able to debut with them and the disappointment because he couldn’t debut sooner.

There were some nasty, malicious rumors spreading between the other trainees. Apparently, they talked about how Taemin and Minho were far inferior compared to Kibum and he should have debut instead of them. Kibum couldn’t believe his ears, how could people think something like that? And when Taemin came to him, eyes red and bleary as he muttered an apology, Kibum saw red.

He confronted trainees who started the rumor, told them that he was proud of his friend’s achievement and he was no way jealous. “They’ve worked as hard as I do if not harder, they deserve this debut!”

The three debuted as a unit called ‘SHINee’. They swept charts here and there with their debut song and all rookie of the year trophies that year went to their shared dorm. Kibum was a happy and proud friend, but their success also reminded him that he should work harder if he wanted to stand on the same stage as them.

A year and seven months after SHINee’s debut, Kwangsoo-ssi told them their CEO called him and Jonghyun to his office. Before they entered the room, they held hands, looking at each other’s eyes.

There were no words being shared but Jonghyun’s eyes spoke more than words could convey and Kibum could only hope his were the same.

“Congratulation, Jonghyun-ssi, Kibum-ssi, we have decided your debut!”

-

‘Wefreaky’ was the name and they’re a new concept in K-pop scene, if not the idol world: a duo with one member’s true identity remained in the dark. Kibum got ‘Key’ as his stage name and Jonghyun was given a single letter to represent himself; ‘J’.

J would be introduced as the ‘producer’ of Wefreaky music; he writes, composes, arranges, directs music, and other musical aspect. Key would be the performer, the executor, the one who bring J’s concept to live. J would not appear in any media at all and Key was responsible to cover for him, to ‘speak’ in his place including in interview and public broadcast.

Basically, J would have some singing part in their song but he wouldn’t be performing on stage. Since Jonghyun also insisted that Kibum should sing the whole part, it wasn’t really a problem. Except that a part of Kibum still wanted Jonghyun to sing more.

A night before their debut stage found Kibum on Jonghyun’s bed, they lied together with fingers laced and forehead pressed against each other’s. Jonghyun found solace in Kibum’s breathing and Kibum found salvation in the way Jonghyun’s fingers would run a comforting circle on his skin.

“You will do well, nobody can sing my song better than you,” Jonghyun whispered, voice low and soothing. His eyes fluttered open, smiling, he said again, “you are perfect, Kibum, make them know.”

The younger boy wanted to say the same thing; you are perfect as well, Jjong, your music is a holy creation, but Kibum was too overwhelmed with emotion to speak. So instead, he held Jonghyun’s hand tighter, hoping it would get his feelings across.

It took three months to prepare for their debut and when Wefreaky’s songs eventually hit the market, it became hit right away. The song was brilliant and their concept had successfully attracted people’s attention.

Kibum had to admit their concept did wonders to their popularity. Requests for interview poured here and there, Kibum found himself drowning in flurry of schedules, flying from one studio to another to meet their demands.

Interviews always tried to divulge more information about J but Kibum managed to keep information leak minimum, making people always wanting for more information about the mysterious musical prodigy.

“Nowadays, I found inspiration just by watching your stage,” Jonghyun told him after a long night of variety recording - which only Kibum attended but Jonghyun made sure to wait in a coffee shop two blocks away from the studio.

They were in the van, heading for Jonghyun’s home. Kibum was too sleepy, he barely kept his eyes open but he made an effort to listen. His head was resting on Jonghyun’s shoulder, the elder had his hand on Kibum’s thigh. “Hmm, what kind of song?”

“Something about seeing God’s greatest invention,” Jonghyun replied shyly, “I mean, you kind of are.”

Kibum laughed softly, he hit Jonghyun’s hand on his thigh, “Sap.”

“Well, it’s true! For me, anyways. You are so great, Kibum, you should see yourself on stage!”

Kibum only laughed. He really wanted to ask when will he be able to stand on stage together with Jonghyun but he knew the answer already (it started with an ‘i’ and 10 letters long). So he settled with snuggling closer to Jonghyun’s warmth, curling his fingers around the other’s slightly shorter ones, and murmured, “I wouldn’t be able to do it without you.”

“You gave me too much credit, Kibum-ah.”

Kibum frowned, affronted. When will Jonghyun stop downplaying himself? His inferiority complex was no joke. “Idiot, my greatness on stage is Wefreaky’s greatness which means it’s yours as much as it’s mine. This is ours, Jjong.”

Jonghyun’s laugh was music to Kibum’s ears, and just like his whole being is a blessing for Kibum, it did him wonders. Kibum’s eyes fluttered, he tried to stay awake to no avail. The elder chuckled, he wrapped his arm around Kibum’s shoulder to bring him closer, “Sleep, Kibum-ah, you deserve it.”

And you deserve as much, Kibum thought before sleep welcomed him, tucked safely in Jonghyun’s arms.

-

SHINee had another comeback and in between, the pressure put on Jonghyun was no joke. Kibum knew it right away with the extra amount of trainings they gave both of them; Wefreaky was expected to make another comeback soon, the problem was, Jonghyun didn’t have a song they deemed ‘good enough’ for title song.

Jonghyun wrote songs, millions of them. Kibum knew from the amount of music sheets, littered and sometimes crumpled all over his room, or in the studio. Jonghyun drew his inspiration from everything around him; books to flower, (from Kibum as well, a little voice in his mind told him), but he seemed to be stuck in one of those ruts, their manager, Minseok-ssi told him.

Kibum frowned. For him, all songs Jonghyun had written are beautiful, he felt offended when they said Jonghyun wasn’t good enough. All the critiques and pressure only stressed the constantly anxious boy even more.

They had a feeling why the pressure this time was more immense than their debut; they expected Wefreaky to sweep all rookie awards just like SHINee did. They’re not the only idol unit that debuted this year. There were other groups with more members which also equals to more fans. Their concept might be interesting and different but there’re only two of them.

A ‘good enough’ song wouldn’t do, a ‘good enough’ dance routine won’t do either. That’s why worked Jonghyun the hardest, he had to come up with the song, the lyrics, only then they can decide how Kibum should execute it on stage.

After their debut, their company gave them a room to share near the office building. It was spacious enough for two people but they only use it during their promotion period. Kibum stayed longer there than Jonghyun who claimed that he opted for the comfort of his black room at home (but during their debut days, Jonghyun stayed there to accompany Kibum, lying on Kibum’s bed and whispered comforting words to each other, fingers laced together).

Nowadays, Jonghyun started to go back to the dorm instead of his house but after three weeks, he stopped coming back to any altogether. Kibum found himself returning to empty house at night and waking up to equally empty room in the morning. Jonghyun practically locked himself in the office’s studio, refusing to go home until he came up with ‘good enough’ or ‘decent melody’.

Kibum’s pleas of ‘please come home’ or ‘I’m lonely’ fell to deaf ears, much to his disappointment. He started finding himself sleeping with tears making its merry way down his cheeks, fingers grasping the empty sheets beside him where Jonghyun used to lie, waiting for just a beep of his phone that signaled Jonghyun’s incoming message or sound of door clicking open.

None of it came, and today, again, Kibum woke up with eyes raw from crying and cold, empty bed.

He showered, ate, made sure he had packed lunch for Jonghyun and left for school. Kibum spent his days thinking how Jonghyun was doing, absentmindedly making doodle on the corner of his text book. He rushed himself to their office and knocked on studio door where he knew Jonghyun had been locking himself in for past days.

The door was not locked so Kibum pushed it slowly, opening the door with no sound. The lights were switched off, save for the corner of the room where he saw a hunched figure, none other than Jonghyun.

Kibum had had his hair dyed blonde a week ago and Jonghyun had been given a make over as well: his long bangs was cut and they’re now spiked up, revealing his forehead. But now the new hairdo was a mess, his hair stuck to his skin for not showering for days. His frown was clear as day and all Kibum wanted to do was to kiss and smooth them away.

“Jjong?” Kibum called softly as he approached his composer, making sure not to make any loud song that could probably surprise Jonghyun and potentially send him into anxiety attack. Kibum was actually surprised Jonghyun managed to stay like this for this long without being neurotic.

Jonghyun didn’t answer him. He didn’t even make an attempt to show that he acknowledge the younger boy’s presence in the room. For a while, the only sound filling the studio was the constant scratch of Jonghyun’s pencil on the paper.

“I brought you food,” the now blond singer tried again. He tried to reign his emotion in at the same time, keeping his voice from shaking, because, God, Jonghyun looked like he had not sleep for weeks and Kibum wouldn’t be surprise if that really was the case.

He looked visibly thinner, his cheeks were gaunt and his prominent jaw just emphasised it even more. Jonghyun has had constant eye bags for a while but they were never this obvious. Kibum could only imagine how many nights Jonghyun had spent, sleepless, alone in the dark studio, trying to come up with the right sound but to no avail.

“Jjong,” Kibum choked, covering his mouth with his palm. He felt his eyes water when he wound his arms around Jonghyun’s shoulder. But the elder boy didn’t move, he didn’t twitch or shift, save for his hand that still continue dancing across the paper.

The younger boy buried his head on Jonghyun’s nape, whispering ‘you’ll be alright, you’ll do fine’ repeatedly like they always do whenever Jonghyun fell to one of those fit of anxiety. Only this time Jonghyun wasn’t having a fit, he was quiet, unmoving, but the stress was here and it was so apparent, it scared Kibum even more.

They stayed in that position until Kibum’s tears dried out. He eventually left the room for practice, reminding Jonghyun to eat his food which he left on the table between crumpled music paper. “Don’t forget to come home, I’m waiting,” Kibum said with a sad smile before closing the door close.

He pretended that Jonghyun’s silence didn’t hurt.

-

The sleepless and lonely nights continued. Kibum didn’t remember the last time he saw Jonghyun. He had stopped coming to his school or his homes altogether. Taemin was worried. The younger often invited Kibum for lunch together with the other to SHINee members, trying to take his mind off Jonghyun’s absence.

Kibum was thankful for the attention but the only thing that could lift his spirit was having Jonghyun home once again. Regardless, he tried to curb their worries  by pretending he was fine. He told himself that he’d be strong, for himself and for Jonghyun. He only hoped it wasn’t that hard.

He returned to his and Jonghyun’s shared room after a late dinner with SHINee three stations away. It was fun but his empty home was calling for him, he should be ready in case Jonghyun was coming back. Kibum dreaded thinking Jonghyun about coming back to empty house, because he knew how horrible and devastating it could be.

Kibum didn’t find it in him to sleep. He slipped into trainers and Jonghyun’s shirt (they share the same size). After fixing himself a cup of milk, Kibum sat with knees pulled up together on the sofa, switching the TV on and settled on random cooking channel.

His mind inescapably ran to Jonghyun. He wished he could feel it all for Jonghyun, wished he could erase the pain and shared the burden Jonghyun had to bear. He hated seeing the boy in pain more than anything in this world. Lately he felt like he was standing in the dark and all he could see was Jonghyun; Jonghyun with his stony face, permanent frown, tired eyes, and all too prominent dark circles.

He longed to see the Jonghyun he know and love; the starry eyed Jonghyun who always looked at Kibum like he was seeing for the first time, like Kibum was hitting him with lightning when the younger male sings.

He missed Jonghyun’s smile, his laughter, his constant teasing. The shy smile Jonghyun would give him whenever he managed to speak in front of other people without failing his sentence.

“I miss you,” Kibum whispered as the clock hit two in the morning. His cup was already empty and the cooking show had ended an hour before, replaced with a program about the best club to hang out in town.

Kibum didn’t sleep. He thought of Jonghyun until the dawn cracked, painting the sky outside with orange and violet. Kibum didn’t care if he developed a deeper set of dark circle because for all he knew, Jonghyun had it worse and he wasn’t willing, never would, to let Jonghyun suffer alone.

The sky outside was too beautiful that it brought a fresh set of tears to his eyes. With glassy eyes, Kibum grabbed his jacket and stepped outside, not forgetting to lock his door. The journey down was spent with Kibum fiddling with the zipper of his, Jonghyun’s jacket. He wasn’t really thinking when he stepped out the building, fresh and crisp morning air greeting him.

He wrapped his arms around himself, rubbing them in an attempt to remain warm. Kibum stared at the rising sun, his eyes raw and narrowed. Then he just stayed there, breathing, drowning himself in the silence of a new dawn. Sun started to bleed over the horizon, illuminating everything in a gentle and warm golden light.

It was then when his eyes captured a silhouette not far ahead. He squinted his eyes to see better. The figure’s face was dark from facing away from the sun but his contour was illuminated by its light.

Kibum’s breath hitched, he felt like he was seven all over again.

Everything was too familiar, too nostalgic as his eyes met a familiar set of brown, big, and glassy eyes. His skin was pale from hiding inside a studio for so long but the way the sunlight kissed him made him glow, he looked ethereal, beautiful, unreal, and,

“Jonghyun,” Kibum breathed.

The figure, Jonghyun, walked toward him without breaking off their eye contact. Jonghyun’s eyes always spoke much, conveyed more than the words he typed and scribbled on his sheets. It was only a moment but Kibum saw everything.

His body went on autopilot. He threw his arms around Jonghyun’s shoulder, burying his face between his neck, inhaled, breathed Jonghyun’s scent  in until each and every his cells were filled by Jonghyun.

When the brunette wrapped his arms back around Kibum’s back in a very desperate manner as if he’d break if he didn’t do so, Kibum held him tighter.

“You’ve worked hard,” he said, “You’ve really worked hard, Jjong.”

Jonghyun’s body in his embrace started to shake violently and Kibum didn’t need to feel the wetness on his shoulder or the heartbreaking sobs that escaped the elder’s lips to know he’s crying. He kept his arms strong and steady to save Jonghyun from falling.

“It’s hard,” Jonghyun said, “they kept saying it wasn’t enough,” he said again, “they said I wasn’t good enough, but I just don’t know anymore Kibum, I cannot come up with anything!”

Kibum listened as Jonghyun rambled some more. When Jonghyun’s words eventually fail him, Kibum cupped the elder’s cheeks and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, then his nose, then his left eye before moving to his right. Jonghyun’s arms were still fastened around his waist when they brought their head together, nose touching, and lips a breadth apart.

“You’ve worked hard, Jonghyun,” Kibum whispered, “let’s go home for the day, okay?”

Jonghyun sniffed, nodding, then let Kibum pulled his hand. They returned home, hand in hand. Kibum stripped Jonghyun off from his clothes before doing the same to himself. They stepped inside the shower together, letting the warm water washing their fatigue away before dressing in the most comfortable pajama they could find and slipped under the cover, limbs tangling together.

They fell asleep with breaths matching each other and fingers lacing together. Dreaming of playground under the cloak of golden sunset, of kids playing swing together, singing.

When Kibum woke up early afternoon, he was met with smiling Jonghyun who had papers and pencil on his hand. The elder boy ruffled his hair affectionately, red rimmed eyes glimmering liquid amber when he said, “what do I do without you, Kibum?”

Kibum’s only answer was a dimpled, sleepy smile.

Jonghyun left for the company after they had a lunch (dinner?) and two days later, Kibum was announced Wefreaky was going to have a comeback.

The song title was ‘The End of The Day’ and Kibum blushed a pretty hue of scarlet upon reading the lyrics. Jonghyun’s proud smile never quite leaving him.

-

Upon its release, ‘The End of The Day’ achieved all kill on every music charts. It did well digitally and physically. Everyone was elated, they were sure Wefreaky would steal the spotlight on rookie awards and they weren’t the only one. The experts, the media, they’re all over Wefreaky’s first album.

Praises were sung here and there. Kibum found himself attending more music stages and festival, appearing in more radios and variety program. More interviews were scheduled for him and his source of salvation was the song didn’t even have any choreography to work with. He wasn’t sure his body could last through the hectic schedules.

Jonghyun was a steady fortress during this time. He stayed in their shared rooms whenever Kibum’s schedule required him to return after midnight. Jonghyun would always welcome him by gathering the younger boy into his embrace, kissing his temple and murmured words of comfort, “you’ve worked hard,” he whispered with a smile, “you’re my pride.”

Kibum could only smile as he buried himself deeper in Jonghyun’s arms. The elder would sometimes sing their newest chart killer song and Kibum couldn’t help but think the song sounded million times better coming from Jonghyun’s mouth (of course Jonghyun begged to differ, for him, Kibum’s singing was better than choirs of angels.

Jonghyun would tuck Kibum in, staying awake until sleep found the younger male. He was the last one Kibum see before dream claimed him and the first one Kibum see when day beckoned him.  Jonghyun gave him an innocent ‘good morning’ kiss on the cheek, Kibum thought if this was what  happiness was about.

When Wefreaky was crowned as rookie of the year in every single award that year, Kibum thought that, yes, it must be that. Because despite the heady and overwhelming feelings of finally achieving what he (they) had dreamt of, something was lacking with the absence of Jonghyun beside him, it had felt strangely empty.

He kept mentioning Jonghyun’s alias, J, over and over again in his acceptance speech, “Thank you, J-hyung,”, “I can’t do this without you, J-hyung,”, “thank you for writing these beautiful songs for me, J-hyung,”,

“I wish one day we can perform together on stage, hyung,”  and show other people what they had missed, Kibum thought.

“You’ve worked hard, hyung,” he said, trying not to falter on his speech, because the next words were the most important of all, because the next words were words that Jonghyun had given him and Kibum, all he ever want was to give back Jonghyun as much as he had received.

Kibum looked at the camera, pretending, believing that it was Jonghyun’s eyes he’s looking at. His eyes shone with unshed tears that eventually fall when his lips curled into a smile,

“You are my pride.”

-

Kibum pretended that Jonghyun didn’t kiss him that night, chaste, and gentle, and wet with tears.

Jonghyun pretended he didn’t either.

-

“Oh My God, Jonghyun-hyung, you’re so amazing!” Taemin said in between his meal. Kibum looked at him in distaste before chiding him.

The boy had been irrevocably in love with Jonghyun’s latest creation, claiming it was the only song he listened lately every night after schedule or before he hit the bed (Taemin also shared an account of how he bawled himself to sleep because of the song. Jonghyun’s grin was blinding).

Five of them had taken it into a habit, SHINee and Wefreaky, to enjoy a meal together. All of them tried to conceal their identity with beanie or glasses. Jinki and Jonghyun were the only ones with minimal ‘camouflage’; Jinki claiming most people didn’t recognize him without his makeup and Jonghyun didn’t exactly need it either.

Even though he was often spotted together with Kibum or SHINee, it was amazing how nobody actually suspected Jonghyun to be The ‘J’ from Wefreaky. Fans actually misunderstood him as Kibum’s manager, going around addressing him as ‘the small and handsome manager oppa’. They found it funny but as long as it kept Jonghyun away from unnecessary exposure, it was enough.

“You really should write us a song, Hyung,” Taemin repeated (and Kibum looked at him in distaste as Taemin spilled his rice all over the table).

Jonghyun’s answer was a quick ‘no’ which he continued with, “I only write song for Kibum to sing.”

Kibum pretended that he wasn’t blushing and Minho (and Jinki) wasn’t giving him a funny, curious gaze. “Shame on you, Taeminnie. Jjong is exclusively mine.”

Jonghyun grinned, looking shamelessly proud. Taemin pouted with puffed out cheek, “it’s not fair.”

“How so,” Kibum quipped, taking a bite from Jonghyun’s meal (the elder didn’t mind a single bit, he pushed his plate closer to Kibum instead). “Me and Jonghyun-hyung is in a unit, he’s composer, I’m his singer.”

“True, I’m all Kibum’s,” Jonghyun added. His grin grew bigger at Kibum’s affirmation.

This kind of conversation had became quite a norm between them; Taemin (or at rare occasion, Minho) would ‘fanboy’ over Jonghyun’s creation and they’d end up asking Jonghyun to write for them. Jonghyun’s answer was always the same, he never deterred from; ‘I only write song for Kim Kibum, thank you very much’.

Kibum was always flattered despite knowing this fact for more than five years already. Jonghyun’s loyalty to him was endearing and Kibum wouldn’t trade it for anything else. Having someone tailored a song perfectly for your wasn’t exactly a privilege every singer have, let alone an idol.

His experience taught him that in this industry, not every aspiring singer can sing the song they wanted to sing. Some of them, usually and more often than not are idols, were stuck with song or composer with a style they couldn’t fully understand.

He was grateful for Jonghyun’s resolution. Granted, since they were scouted, they had been promised (not explicitly, but still) a career together. Beside, Kibum was pretty much the reason why Jonghyun agreed to debut in the first place. The shorter boy might had a moment of doubt but he’d always relent in the end when it came to his best friend.

“Ugh, you really are his dog, Hyung,” Minho scowled playfully.

Jonghyun laughed and smiled until the corner of his eyes crinkled, he looked so happy, Kibum noted with a fond smile. “Arf!” the brunette let out a high pitched bark, imitating a puppy.

Jinki and Jonghyun ended up in silly play of puppy conversation. Minho laughed, holding his sides at his hyungs obnoxious antics while Taemin was still pouting, jabbing his meat with chopsticks.

“But what if the company wanted you to write for us? For, for other artist like Super Junior Sunbaenim?”

Jonghyun crooked an eyebrow, clearly finding the idea irritating. Kibum could see it from the sudden tightness on his jaw that Jjong wanted the conversation to be over. He pulled Taemin’s elbow, hoping the younger boy got his signal.

But Jonghyun’s mouth was faster and Taemin can be stubborn (most of the times), so when Jonghyun spoke with low tone, anger dripping from his voice, and Taemin quickly retaliate, Kibum could only watch with sinking heart.

“They’re not going to make me,” Jonghyun growled, eyes boring hole into Taemin who had a similar (yet less angry) look on his face.

“Oh yeah? Wait until they actually make you, you won’t be able to refuse, Hyung.”

“Don’t you dare!” Jonghyun jolted up from his seat, glowering on Taemin. The maknae stared back at him defiantly.

Kibum groaned, burying his face in his hand while Jinki nudged at Taemin’s elbow until he turned to look at him. The leader gave him a disapproving smile, shaking his head, and muttered, “leave it, Taemin-ah.”

“But!”

“Taemin,” Minho chided. Taemin frowned at his hyungs but the stern look on Minho’s face and the smile Jinki gave him earlier deterred him. He turned to look at Key who could only grimace behind his hand.

The youngest boy eventually looked down on his knees, hands balled beside him as he muttered, “sorry, Jonghyun-hyung.”

Jonghyun’s nose was flaring, lips pulled together thinly. He could feel his own blood rate increasing and muscle tensing in response as aggravation rose within him. Exasperation.

What Taemin asked of him was nothing more than a request from a friend, like asking someone to borrow you a pen. But Jonghyun didn’t like it, he loathed the idea of writing for anyone but Kibum. He couldn’t see himself (and wouldn’t even dare to imagine) writing song that was not for his best friend.

Jonghyun was sure he could only see bleak and black if anybody tried making him do so. Even if the SHINee members had become irreplaceable friends for him, they’re still on the different pedestal than Kibum.

And when Taemin started talking about the company asking, ‘making’ him write song for other artist, the younger had just successfully breached Jonghyun’s limit. It was the forbidden thought that had been sitting locked in a far away place inside Jonghyun’s mind. He’d like to believe the idea never popped in his mind in the first place, but who was him to deny it?

Ever since he joined the company, the thought was always there, breathing down his neck. Whenever they asked him to write a new song, Jonghyun always made sure to to ask, ‘for Kibum, right?’ Thankfully, they only gave him funny look in the first place and told him, ‘yes, of course it’s for Wefreaky’.

He had tried to stop thinking about it and so far, nobody had brought it until today. The idea was a forbidden territory for him. It was wicked, evil, sickening. It scared him (like the thought of speaking in front of public scared him), so he stayed away from it (in his studio, in his black room, just like how he stayed away from people but Kibum in general).

The composer didn’t realize he was shaking until Kibum’s fingers grazed his knuckle. Jonghyun turned to look down on his best friend, he had a pleading look on his face. But Jonghyun saw no understanding and he felt his world tipping.

He shook Kibum’s hands away in one swift movement. The younger winced, Jonghyun noted in the back of his mind that he should apologize but his throat was closing up on him.

“Jjong!” Kibum gasped. They watched in silence as Jonghyun grabbed his cap and put it on without smothering his hair back like he usually did. He also grabbed his jacket and wallet, accidentally knocking Jinki’s face with its sleeves before leaving the restaurant.

Quiet, then Minho spoke, “he left his glasses,” pointing at Jonghyun’s abandoned spectacles on the table. Kibum quietly took them, folding them neatly.

Taemin hid his eyes behind his long bangs, muttering a quiet, “sorry.”

Kibum gave him a sad smile as Jinki ruffled the boy’s hair. “Jjong doesn’t like it… he hates it,” he started, stirring his ice latte with the red straw it came with. Taemin looked up, eyes glassy.

It was like yesterday in Kibum’s memory, fresh and vivid. He still remember the first day Jonghyun ever wrote a song. Kibum was eleven and Jonghyun a year older. The just spent the day playing by the beach, skin a little bit raw from the unforgiving sun and Kibum had sand between his nails.

They lied together on the sand, enjoying the way wind caressed them albeit the dryness. Kibum had rambled about his mother’s newest addition of sunblock, apparently, she had just bought enough for the whole family members to last the summer.

Jonghyun had watched his best friend, wet and sandy hair sticking to his forehead. Their fingers were shy apart from each other but Kibum could feel the warmth of the older’s skin against his skin. His eyes reflected light like the way the water droplets of Kibum’s eyes did (the younger secretly thought it was beautiful).

They returned home hand in hand, knees scraped by sand and body smelt like sand. Once they reached Jonghyun’s home, the elder had quickly scrambled to his feet to find a piece of paper before jotting down notes after notes.

Kibum went to his house for a quick shower and when he exited the bathroom, smelling like soap and shampoo, he was greeted by Jonghyun’s big grin, “I wrote you a song!”

“Ever since he started composing for the first time, he never wrote for anyone but me,” Kibum continued, a fond yet sad smile on his face. It was flattering, it made him feel special.

Jonghyun spoilt him rotten with his dependency on the boy and as much as Kibum loved all the affection he was showered and blanketed with, it worried him sometimes. Can Jonghyun stand on his own without him?

“Does it bother him that much?” Jinki asked carefully, hand still patting Taemin’s hair in comforting manner.

Kibum sighed. There was never any occasion when Jonghyun was obliged to do such but with how many times the puppy eyed boy declared his strict ‘only write for Kibum’ policy, and how well Kibum knew him, Jonghyun was far from joking. “It does.”

“It’s a waste, honestly. Don’t get me wrong, tho, Kibum,” Minho added. Kibum gave him an encouraging smile, telling him he didn’t mind. “Jonghyun-hyung is really good, you know. I heard the production team talked about it the other day.”

“I know. Sometimes I hope he realized it too,” Kibum sighed, fiddling with Jonghyun’s glasses on the table. “He could have done so much better without me…”

Jinki shook his head before giving Kibum an understanding smile, eyes disappearing into crescent moon with crinkles on the corner, “I don’t think so, Kibum-ah.”

His statement earned him three confused look. Jinki laughed. He wondered if Kibum understand the gravity of the situation and what Jonghyun was (could have been) insinuating with his loyalty. Or whether Kibum really was oblivious. Then again, Jonghyun might be just as oblivious, and Jinki was always curious with the nature of relationship between his two juniors.

“Jonghyun meant his every words, Kibum. I think that’s one of those artist thingies when it comes to their muses,” he tried to explain.

Minho gagged, “you mean Kibum is Jonghyun-hyung’s muse?”

“Zip it, Choi!” Kibum glared at him.

“Isn’t Kibum-hyung is?” Taemin spoke, unexpectedly.

Jinki looked at his maknae affectionately before nodding at the other two, “yeah, aren’t you, Kibum?”

Kibum looked at the eldest. Jinki’s eyes spoke many but never as much as Jonghyun’s do and it was unsettling (but Kibum thought it’s fine because all he needed to know was Jonghyun). There was something unspoken in Jinki’s words and it reminded Kibum of a short conversation that had happened between them months ago. Jinki never did bring it up again but today, Kibum felt there’d be more of it.

“He never write if it’s not for me,” he leaned on his chair, finger tapping on the lense of Jonghyun’s glasses, “so, yeah, I guess you can say so.”

When Kibum returned to their shared room that night, Jonghyun was already curled on his bed, buried in the blanket until only the top of his brown, spiky hair was visible. Kibum softly removed the cover and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Jonghyun snuggled to his touch, murmuring his name before falling into slumber once again.

Kibum joined him after taking a shower. Jonghyun, half asleep, encased him into his embrace before taking Kibum along with him to the land of sleep.

-

Their career was steady and Kibum couldn’t ask for anything more. J’s identity was still sealed shut and Jonghyun was still known amongst fans as ‘the small yet hot manager oppa’. By their actual manager’s insistence (A man who’s even taller than Minho and made Jonghyun glared at him more than it was actually necessary named Kwon Minseok) , Jonghyun had ended up with a twitter account.

He used the account mainly to post  internet memes and jokes. His account was entertaining and refreshing in comparison to other idols’ selca-flooded twitter. He sometimes tweeted insightful tweets as well, giving more character to his previously secluded and hidden personality.

Of course some fans begged him to release a pic of himself but  he never comply, posting pic of his puppy Roo or Kibum instead. His funny social media persona gave him a new surge of popularity. J was now famous not only for his anonymity but also for his hilarious yet progressive persona.

Kibum was in his way back from another variety schedule when he saw Jonghyun’s newest tweet, featuring a pair of glasses he had bought yesterday for Kibum (“Kibummie begged me TT ^ TT So I bought it for him TT ^ TT It’s pricey but it’s for Kibummie so it’s fine TT ^ TT”) and was now perching on Kibum’s nose.

He sniggered, fingers flying over the screen to open instagram to take a selca. He lowered the glass so his kohl-rimmed eyes were more visible, lips sticking out in playful manner before pressing the button. Kibum uploaded the picture, writing ‘Thank you, I love you <3’ and some tags before uploading it.

The picture quickly earned ton of likes and comments. Kibum always marveled at how fast his fans responded to his posts. In less than five minutes, Jonghyun had tweeted a capture of his phone, showcasing Kibum’s latest instagram upload with caption, ‘Aish, Kibummie TT ^ TT I love you too keke take care <3’.

Kibum felt his eyes disappeared as he smiled, cheeks aching. Jonghyun had always been sweet when it came to him but it used to be only between the two of them. Now with their respective social medias, their affection was out in the open. Kibum had to admit he was thrown off-balance with how casual Jonghyun addressed their closeness on his SNS.

Kibum wasn’t that open when he first started his instagram but with how many mentions of him on Jonghyun’s tweets, he couldn’t help but return the favor. Of course they agreed not to reveal anything about Jonghyun’s identity.

There had been some funny post or article dedicated to their social media antics, some even went as far as calling it ‘Wefreaky’s Lovestagram’. Naturally, rumor that Jonghyun was actually female in disguise sprouted here and there. Jonghyun quickly addressed the rumor to clear it up.

That was the only time J ever revealed a pic of himself. It was by a picture of him from waist down but the reaction was viral. Articles kept coming while Kibum and Jonghyun had a good laugh at how people practically went batshit crazy just by the picture of Jonghyun’s short legs.

Jinki’s teasing had been endless. The elder had suddenly fancy the idea that Kibum and Jonghyun were ‘together’, not as in ‘together in a band’ but ‘together’ like Girls Day’s Hyeri and Tony Ahn. To be honest, Kibum didn’t know how to respond.

His initial reaction was a sassy roll of his eyes, but then one day Jinki caught them cuddling in studio. Kibum was practically sitting on Jonghyun’s lap while the elder embraced him from behind, chin comfortably resting on his shoulder while Kibum played around with this phone and Jonghyun twirling his pencil between his fingers, trying to come up with a new lyric.

Jinki had ‘ahm’-ed loudly, causing Kibum to flinch and accidentally knocking Jonghyun’s chin with his head. He turned around to find Jinki, a shit eating grin on his face and Kibum felt all blood rushed to his face.

He couldn’t help it. Him and Jonghyun had been doing it since forever and just because they’re a little older (and Kibum knew they’d probably still continue doing it far in their forties), it didn’t mean they could (should) stop. He had forgotten how many times they’d find themselves in each other’s embrace, either trying to find comfort or just doing it for the sake of cuddling.

Hug, hand holding, frequent body contact, innocent kiss, Jonghyun was naturally a touchy person and Kibum didn’t exactly hate all the affectionate gesture he was given. He tried not to think about the kiss he shared with Jonghyun at the night when they won rookie award but his mind was always traitorous whenever Jinki gave him the ‘knowing’ smile.

That kiss, Jonghyun never brought it up either. That night the had fallen asleep in each other’s arms and that much was completely normal. They were still basking in the euphoria of sweeping rookie awards to think of the kiss they shared the previous night.

“We’ve arrived, Kibum-ssi,” Minseok-ssi informed him. Their car rolled into the parking lot of their apartment. He hopped off quickly, cursing when he almost got the end of his jacket caught between the car’s door.

“Thank you for today, Minseok-hyung!” Kibum saluted. Minseok-ssi laughed then quickly ushered him inside so he won’t catch a cold. He also told Kibum to say Hi to Jonghyun in which Kibum replied with a big grin and another salute.

He entered his and Jonghyun’s shared room with a dramatic flair, opening the door with a bang and both hands open in the air, “Appa is home!” he declared.

Soon enough, two puppies were jumping into his arms and Kibum had them licking his face with gusto. Between his giggles, he saw another ‘puppy’ appeared but this puppy was a lot taller and bigger than the two canines in his arms. This big ‘puppy’ leant on the wall, an affectionate smile on his face.

“Welcome home,” Jonghyun said softly.

Kibum pretended his heart didn’t leap at the tenderness of it all. He returned the smile with equal fervor (or he hoped it was), walking toward Jonghyun who reached out to him and rested a hand on Kibum’s slender waist, “I’m home.”

“Those glasses look good on you, “ Jonghyun grinned, steering Kibum into their living room.

“Of course, can you mention one thing that doesn’t look good on me?” the younger boy exclaimed dramatically, batting his lashes for a full effect.

Jonghyun snorted. He took Kibum’s bags while Kibum threw himself to the couch. The composer left and returned later with a cup of steaming milk tea which Kibum accepted with tired, grateful smile. Jonghyun sat down beside him, arms around the younger’s shoulders to pull him close.

Kibum only realized they were cuddling halfway to his story about the variety recording he had today. He blinked, dazed. But the solidity of Jonghyun’s chest beneath his, the gentleness of Jonghyun’s fingers as they ghosted over his skin, they were hypnotizing, not to mention the little voice in his head that said; you’ve done this before, there is nothing wrong with this.

Jonghyun nudged him when he stopped talking. Kibum looked up to find a pair of rich chocolate eyes looking down on him. God, were they overwhelming.

Mesmerizing.

“Kibum-ah?” Jonghyun asked, a little worried at the abrupt way the younger suddenly stopped talking.

Kibum’s eyes were like a small bed of stars, Jonghyun mused as they continued to stare at each other. They’re always bright, shining and sparkling, like night was neverending, like dawn was never breaking. An eternal parade of galaxy.

Jonghyun’s fingers itched to find a paper and write a lyric, a song, but he couldn’t move. The gaze the younger gave him held him captive. It’s as if he was enchanted and the only one who can cast off the spell binding him was none other than Kibum.

“Kibum-ah,” he called again softly.

The said boy blinked before looking down. Jonghyun watched as his lashes fluttered drowsily when he nuzzled closer to him, “I’m tired,” he murmured.

Smiling, Jonghyun held him closer, lightly kissing the crown of his head. “Come one, let’s get you to bed.”

Kibum groaned when the elder stood up and trying to make him stand up by pulling his hands. He gave up tho because he could practically hear his soft bed calling him and Jonghyun’s promise of another cuddling was too tempting.

When he’s nestled again in the composer’s embrace, Kibum thought he liked this; enveloped and drowning in Jonghyun’s presence, he definitely loved this.

-

His name was Park Hyungseop and he was a model, and he was a lot taller than Jonghyun, and he made Jonghyun’s blood boil. And it had nothing to do with his height, or his tall cheekbones, or how handsome he was, or all designer items that hang on his body.

“I can’t hyung, I promised Hyungseop that we’re going to have dinner together,” Kibum said before quickly cutting off his phone.

Jonghyun threw his phone to his bed. The device hit the book (thankfully a paperback) that his sister gave him two weeks ago with an audible thud. The owner just growled in agitation as he pulled his hair in frustration.

The reason was nothing more and nothing less than the fact that the model had Kibum attending to him 24/7 ever since they met each other at a fashion show (two? three?) months ago.

Oh, Jonghyun still remember the way Kibum had looked when he first told Jonghyun about him, alright. He looked like he just discovered that world is round for the first time. Jonghyun felt a strange tug in his heart but he smiled, encouraging Kibum to tell him more about his new friend

Soon, he was all Kibum could talk about; Hyungseop this, Hyungseop that. ‘Oh, Hyungseop wore this in his latest runaway!’ Jonghyun remembered Kibum pointed out, a little too excited, as he shoved the magazine to Jonghyun’s face. Jonghyun’s smile was strained but Kibum was a little too starry-eyed to notice.

The time Kibum dedicated for Hyungseop increased while the ones for Jonghyun decreased just as much. The composer would find his offer of outing or simple home dinner rejected. It began with a, ‘Hey, Kibum, are you free today?’ and always ended with a ‘I promised Hyungseop,’.

Or, ‘I promised Woohyun,’.

Yeah, there was also Nam Woohyun of Infinite who had a beautiful singing voice and beautiful plump lips who went around calling Kibum ‘My Bum’. And Kibum called him ‘My Hyun’ (He was positive he wasn’t jealous until he learnt about Kibum’s pet name for him; Hyun? _Hyun_?)

Jonghyun would say there were more (Nicole, Jinwoon, etc) but lately, those two were the names that filled Kibum’s schedule book. Jonghyun doubted he’d even find letter ‘J’ in it.

A teakwood candle was burning in his room and while it usually calm his mind, it suffocated him this time. Jonghyun angrily blew it away, not bothering to remove the wax like he should do. Instead, he shoved his pencils, notebook, and music sheets folder inside his bag, throwing his wallet in as well before grabbing his cap and left his room with a loud bang.

Jonghyun only realized he hadn’t tied his boots lace when he almost tripped over it two blocks away from his house. He cursed when he bended down to tie them, but then he realized another thing as his vision became blurry;

He was crying.

“No,” he mumbled, rubbing his eyes harshly with his sleeves.

But the tears won’t stop coming, they continue to spill, clouding everything away. Jonghyun tried to compose himself by taking a deep breathe. He _needed_ to get away because people was starting to notice his weird behaviour.

But with every breath he take, he was reminded with how much he had missed the younger’s scent, how much he had missed having him in his arms as they drift together to sleep. He took a sharp, shuddering breath, balling his fist in front of his mouth to muffle his sob.

Gathering himself, Jonghyun tried to get oxygen back to his lungs. Kibum, he thought, Kibum, he called.

He thought of Kibum; of his bow-shaped lips, of his row of pearly white teeth, of his dimple when he smiled, of the softening of his eyes whenever they found his own, of the warmth of his breath on his skin;

of his voice that locked all Jonghyun’s fear and worry away.

With memories of the younger flooding his mind and filling his senses, Jonghyun managed to return to his feet. He ignored the murmuring around him, pretending he was alone before he pulled his cap down in an attempt to hide his face.

At first, he planned to go the studio but he didn’t want to meet anyone, mainly SHINee members. He didn’t want to answer them if they asked about the redness of his eyes or the dried streak of tears on his cheeks.

Jonghyun crashed by a small, relatively unknown cafe twenty minutes away. After ordering himself the largest serving of ice tea, he spilled the content of his bag on the wooden table at the secluded corner of the room.

He wrote himself away, wrote, and wrote, until he ran out of sheets and half of his notes were full.

-

Kibum felt his stomach drop when he realized it’s been almost two weeks since he last saw Jonghyun. And it dropped even further upon the sight of shorter male now sporting a blond hair instead of the familiar brown.

“J-Jonghyun-hyung?” Kibum called, unsure.

Jonghyun quickly looked up from his phone. The first thing Kibum noticed was a new piercing on his left ear.

“Hey, Kibum-ah,” Jonghyun greeted back with a small smile. The younger tried telling himself that, no, this new hair and the new look Jonghyun had didn’t make his heart beating a little faster than usual. Both in excitement and in fear.

He was too busy calming his erratic heart to notice how Jonghyun’s eyes lacked its usual sparkle or the way his eyes were also dimmer. He didn’t notice the lack of (excessive) touching Jonghyun would normally initiate between him.

“I wrote new songs; a lot of new songs,“ the elder said, breaking Kibum from his reverie.

Kibum blinked, a smile quickly taking over his face. It was contagious, Jonghyun thought as he felt his smile grew a little wider, a little more sincere, because, God, was Kibum beautiful.

“That’s amazing, Hyung!” he said enthusiastically, “I can’t help to hear it!”

“Of course,” Jonghyun smirked, Kibum suddenly felt chill running down his back, “they’re darker though, a lot darker than usual.”

The elder turned around and walked ahead, leaving Kibum feeling numb.  He wondered what had happened in two weeks of his ‘absence’, because Jonghyun ‘changed’. For a better or for worse, Kibum didn’t know.

The only thing he knew was he felt horrible. Horrible for not being by his best friend’s side even if only for two weeks; the first time since they met each other.

-

Jonghyun’s sudden changed affected him more than he expected. For starter, he found himself staring at his phone that suddenly ceased in activity since two particular weeks ago instead of watching the models walking down the catwalk, which should be the right thing to do since he was invited to the runaway by none other than his model friend, Park Hyungseop.

He was ecstatic when Hyungseop invited him, even more so when the invitation arrived by his mailbox. But the enthusiasm ceased as quick as it rose because he spotted Jonghyun from the corner of his eyes, looking at him intently, replaced by foreign discomfort.

Jonghyun had gave him a smile before returning to his note. And this time, Kibum wasn’t trying to bring himself together like last time to notice the way Jonghyun’s lids lowered darkly, or the way he bit his bottom lip as his jaw went taut. The tightening of his grip on his pencil didn’t went unnoticed either.

Kibum felt his breath stilling as he fingered the envelope. Suddenly, the idea of watching the latest Spring/Summer collection wasn’t as interesting anymore.

Jonghyun was right when he said his new songs were darker than his usual style. They were dark in both melodies and the lyrics. There were lots of frustration and anger hinted, a touch of insanity was also thrown to the mix. Kibum thought most of them were borderline obsessive. He didn’t dare to wonder what had inspired Jonghyun to write such lyrics.

Kibum told himself he had no idea despite the constant nagging of his own voice in his head, telling him that; ‘yes, you had’.

The blond stole a glance at the runaway, Hyungseop had walked once and he would come again for another walk nearing the end of the show. The collection had been amazing so far and Hyungseop was as dashing as usual with the contouring making his already high cheekbones higher.

Hyungseop was darling, they just clicked together and Kibum found himself at ease for the first time with someone other than Jonghyun. He would even go as far as admitting that, yes, he probably had developed a crush on the taller male. He couldn’t help it, Hyungseop was that attractive.

Hyungseop showed him another world, he made Kibum rediscovered his other passion that had been buried by music; fashion. He and Jonghyun might have share a similar taste in that department but Jonghyun had always been more into music than anything, while Hyungseop, he was on a whole different level.

There had been shy glances, subtle touches, lots of dinner shared together, and there was also cuddling in the couch as they watched the latest fashion show from around the world. Kibum was falling too fast and like a trainwreck, he crashed too hard.

But there was Jonghyun, he was a stone in Kibum’s flesh that he cannot take out.

When he saw Jonghyun again after two weeks of absence, it was like the veil of starlight casted around him was stripped away, it’s as if he could see more clearly (clear as Jonghyun’s eyes used to be), sharply (as sharp as Jonghyun’s gaze on him).

It’s like experiencing the infamous; you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone.

The signs were there; the less frequent text, the lack of contact, the missing touch, the absent words. Jonghyun no longer waited for him in their shared room, even if he wasn’t staying at home, he wouldn’t be there to greet Kibum by the doorway. He’d either be in his room (or kitchen), writing, or on the couch, closing his eyes while listening to his iPod.

Kibum had tried to do everything to bring ‘the old’ Jonghyun back from acting cute to forcing himself into Jonghyun’s arms. But none of them worked, Jonghyun would just stare at him with unreadable expression before smiling and pushed him away (‘Are you hungry, Kibum-ah? I ordered a take out for you’, ‘N-, I, yes’).

The vocalist thought this might be his punishment for ignoring his best friend for so long. They had been an anchor to each other and Kibum fully understand his own significance for Jonghyun. Jonghyun had always been more fragile than him despite being the older one and he might have looked more confident lately but he couldn’t fool Kibum;

He’s close to breaking.

It frustrated Kibum because he knew ‘what’ was wrong but he was too much of a coward to actually address it. This was different with last time when Jonghyun struggled to write for their first album. Kibum had been powerless back then but this time he was supposedly the only one with power. If it wasn’t for the fear and denial that’s been grappling his chest, he would have confront the elder boy.

Kibum bit his lips, he returned to his phone, ignoring the way people around him went ‘Oh’ and ‘Ah’ when some models with good styling walked the catwalk. He was fiddling with his earphone which he had one stuck in his ear when Woohyun gave him a particular hard nudge on the side.

“Shit, Kibum, that jacket was insane! We gotta ask Hyungseop to save us some!” Woohyun whispered noisily on his ear. Kibum winced at how his friend accidentally spit at him in the process.

He stole a quick glance at the model who wore the jacket Woohyun fawned over but for some reason he could only stare at the mop of familiar blond hair of the male model. He dazedly mumbled a, “yeah, good,” watching as the model disappeared backstage.

“Hyungseop is coming out soon, aren’t you excited?” if Kibum didn’t know better, he’d thought that Woohyun was the one with crush on the said model. But he (they) did know, and they also happened to know to whom Hyungseop will give his heart on silver platter.

Kibum was rolling his eyes at Woohyun’s excited rambling when his phone flickered and vibrated with ‘Jonghyun’s name blinking on the screen. Kibum’s fingers swept across the screen in the speed of light and he felt oxygen leaving his body when he heard a whimper flooding his ear.

It was when Hyungseop eventually emerged from the backstage, wearing a coordination Kibum couldn’t remember, couldn’t bother to care when he stood up and blitzed out of the room; Jonghyun’s name being the only thing in his mind.

-

Jongyun was careless.

He was on his way back from SM Building, just ten minutes away when a group of girls approached him. Being anxious person he was, the tensing of his muscles was natural reaction, so did the fastening of his pulse and his steps. Sweats pooled on his eyebrow as he grew restless, trying to outwalk the girls.

“Oppa, you’re Wefreaky’s manager, right? Can you give this to J-oppa?”

“Oppa, Oppa, tell us more about J-Oppa!”

Jonghyun cursed behind his mask, he should have walked faster, he did spot these girls earlier when exiting the building. They tried shoving bags of present for ‘J’ (for him) to his hands, but Jonghyun batted his hands away as he urged his legs faster.

The thing about fangirl that Jonghyun had learnt was they’re persistent.

“Oppa!” One girl reached out to him again, this time she managed to get a solid grip on his bicep.

Jonghyun felt cold, he harshly swatted her hands away, screaming, “Let go of me!”

It was then everything suddenly went quiet with their cries of ‘Oppa’ dying into silence. Jonghyun freeze in his track. He had never let his voice before, let alone fans, even in SM, he only talked to a certain number of people (even his identity was well protected in his own agency).

The reason was simple; Jonghyun had been blessed with a very distinctive voice. People could easily recognize and tell it apart. In Wefreaky’s album, Jonghyun didn’t only compose and write but also featured in some song, he even had his own solo.

If there was one thing that public knew about ‘J’, it was his voice. And now he messed up, he had accidentally let his voice slip, in front of fans nonetheless.

Time seemed to stand still until one of the girl dropped the paper bag she’s holding, eyes wide and gasping, “J-Oppa!?”

That was Jonghyun cue. He broke into full sprint, one hand clutching at his hoodie to pull it down, trying to hide himself.

_I’m found,_

_No,_

_I messed up,_

_No,_

_They found me,_

_Kibum!_

Jonghyun didn’t know far he had run or whether the girls were actually following him, all he knew was the needed to get away from anyone, fast. His lungs were burning and his eyes were clouded with tears.

It was when his legs wobbled, making him stumble and had his palms on the warm, rough asphalt to support him from completely falling, that he saw a park with public toilets. Jonghyun didn’t think twice, dragging his already giving up legs inside.

He locked himself in the farthest cubicle, body still trembling with fear and teeth chattering for the same reason. Jonghyun hugged himself, drawing his knees closer in as he buried his head in between, body twitching, breathing short and shallow. He felt dizzy, the sudden wave of nausea wasn’t helping him either.

Jonghyun tried to gather himself but failed. He wasn’t the one controlling himself. His heart was beating so hard against his ribcage and breathing was a chore. He could hear the rush of his blood in his ears. All he could feel was fear, worry, apprehension and agitation; Are they gone already? Where are they? Are they outside? What if they find me here? What if they get inside?

Any attempt of blocking the worst case scenario flew out the window as he slowly lost grip of himself. Jonghyun sobbed harder, clutching his shoulders harder that he was sure he left a hole in his clothes.

He wanted them to go away, he wanted to be alone, why can’t they leave him alone?

“Kibum,” the name spilled out from between his broken whimper. Jonghyun remembered the boy, remembered how long was it since he had anxiety attack and whenever he did, Kibum was always there to calm him down.

But now Kibum wasn’t here, he was with Hyungseop and Woohyun, leaving Jonghyun to deal with his terror alone.

Kibum left him.

“N-No,” he choked out, shaking his head as a new kind of fear slowly crawling up upon his skin; _Kibum left you_ , “No!” Jonghyun screamed, “He’s not leaving me!”

Jonghyun kept yelling to himself, fighting against the repeating voice of; ‘Kibum is leaving you’ that only seemed to grow louder with every hoarse cry leaving his throat.

No, it can’t be, Kibum’s not leaving him; he can’t leave him. Jonghyun needed Kibum, like a baby needed their mother, like human needed oxygen. He needed Kibum like Kibum was the center of his world, his gravity because without Kibum, his world would only fall apart.

A world without Kibum was worse than any world at all, he’d rather live in a world where he didn’t know Kibum to begin with. Kibum was, is, and will always be his everything. Kibum can’t leave him; not when Jonghyun felt like dying without him, not when Jonghyun felt himself growing a little crazier every days without him.

Jonghyun was a flower, wilting, withering. A flower waiting until his last petal drop without Kibum.

“Kibum,” Jonghyun whimpered. He thought of the boy, his Kibum who always wore his heart on his sleeves for Jonghyun, his Kibum who would sing to soothe his nerve, his Kibum who always manage to slain the demon in his dream, “Kibum.”

It’s a wonder, Jonghyun faintly thought, that just by thinking of Kibum, a piece of serenity had suddenly returned to him. Feeling the control of his body slowly returned to him, Jonghyun bit his bottom lips, trying to assert more control over himself.

His eyes caught a sight of his phone, spilling out from his bag that he had messily dropped on the floor. With trembling hand, Jonghyun took his phone, fumbling to find Kibum’s number. He missed the call button more than six times before his thumb eventually pressed the green icon.

Jonghyun thanked heaven when the other boy answered his call only after two dial tone. He wanted to say ‘Kibum’ but the only thing that managed to leave his mouth was a choked whimper. There was a gasp and noisy sound of things knocking before Kibum’s voice finally echoed from the speaker.

“Jjong, Oh My God, are you alright? Where are you?”

Kibum sounded out of breath, Jonghyun figured (hope) he was probably running; he’s running for me. “I,” Jonghyun started, voice still shaking, “Kibum.”

“Jonghyun, Jjong, calm down, it’s okay, I’m here. What happened? Tell me where you are, I’ll be there soon.”

Jonghyun shook his head, no, it wasn’t okay, nothing was, “they found me,” he sobbed.

“They what?”

“F-fans, they caught me, I accidentally spoke and,“ he croaked out. His ears caught sudden hitch in Kibum’s breathe, “they called me ‘J-Oppa’...”

-

Kibum could practically feel his lungs were being drained away from any oxygen, his face was probably drained from any color as well. He stood still in front of his van where his manager was waiting inside (most likely chatting with his girlfriend who happened to be one of his coordi noona).

“Fuck,” he cursed. Jonghyun’s identity was kept with utmost secrecy. Other than the production team, the composer team, and three members of SHINee, nobody know about the person behind ‘J’.

For most people in their agency, Jonghyun was just one of the sound tech people, nobody suspected him for being J.

And now the fans found out? Kibum shook his head, not wanting to imagine the headlines that will probably decorate all news portal site tomorrow. He knocked on the window of his car loudly to gain Minseok’s attention.

“I thought you won’t be over until-”

“Jonghyun-hyung,” Kibum said quickly, voice laden with urgency, “we need to find him, he said the fans found out about his identity.”

Minseok paled, “Shit.”

“Hurry up, Hyung,” Kibum whined as he hopped into the passenger seat beside Minseok who started the car before Kibum could even buckle his seatbelt.

“Where is he?” Minseok asked, sounding as breathless as his artist.

“I don’t know. Jjong, hey, it’s okay, we’re on our way, please tell me where you are, we’ll be there soon,” Kibum spoke to the phone.

He heard Jonghyun sniffed before answering, “in a public park, toilet, I-I don’t know, I don’t know where am I, Kibum,” he crumbled to another sob and Kibum felt his own heart doing the same, “I don’t know where am I, you won’t find me, you can’t-”

“I will find you, Jjong, I can,” Kibum said, he hope he sounded more convincing than he actually felt because as long as Jonghyun trusted him, he can accomplish anything, “I promise you, Jjong, I will find you.”

“Where is he?” Minseok asked once again, drumming his fingers against the steering wheel in frustrated manner.

“A park,” Kibum answered quickly, his fingers flying over the screen of GPS, trying to locate nearest park from their agency, “with public toilet, right Jjong?”

The composer made an agreeing noise with his throat before breaking into another sobs. Kibum desperately want to scoop Jonghyun into his embrace right now, wrapping him in his arms, and whispered sweet nothings into his ears until the tears stop and sleep beckons him.

“Jjong, Jonghyun-hyung, can you share me your location? You can, right?” Kibum asked desperately when he spotted too many park around their agency building. Jonghyun could be anywhere and he wouldn’t want to risk spending too much time looking for the right place while the elder was crying in fear.

“I don’t know, Kibum, “ Jonghyun shook his head, his fingers were still trembling, but if he didn’t make it easier for Kibum, the younger will never find him. Exhaling deeply, Jonghyun bit his lips hard enough to draw blood in desperate attempt to make him stay focused.

Jonghyun winced when his teeth tore the tender skin of his bottom lips. Kibum caught it but Jonghyun told him it was fine. The younger started to bite his nail, listening to Jonghyun’s shuddery breath as he tried to stop his sob.

When his phone eventually vibrate, Kibum tore it away from his ears, he quickly tapped the speaker icon before opening the message Jonghyun sent him. “Here, Hyung!” he told Minseok while inputting the address of location to the car’s GPS.

“Kibum,” Jonghyun’s meek voice echoed from the speaker, “you’re coming, right?”

Kibum swore the first thing he’d do to himself after he found Jonghyun and bring him back to the safety of their rooms (his embrace) was either to ask for the elder’s apology or to beat himself. How could he make Jonghyun cry like this?

Okay, technically, he wasn’t the reason why Jonghyun was in his current predicament (it were the fangirls). But the fact stood that he wasn’t by his side when he needed him the most. He had also neglected his best friend for two weeks straight.

He had, in a way, brought Jonghyun to his limit, and just like he told himself; the signs were there, Jonghyun was close to fall apart. Kibum knew this was inevitable. It just happened that Jonghyun stumble upon their fans today and it pushed the button a little faster than it should be.

Kibum’s eyes burnt at the thought, he had been horrible, he didn’t deserve Jonghyun’s trust. Who was he to be Jonghyun’s salvation? Who was he to comfort Jonghyun in his arms?

“Kibum?”

Kibum wiped his tears harshly, smiling and hoping it can be conveyed through his voice, “yeah, Jjong?”

“Sing for me?”

Suddenly, Kibum remembered; remembered all the shy smiles and stolen glances, the subtle touch and high cheekbones, a male taller than him with eyes blinding and promise of passion in them.

But then he remembered another smile, another glance and touch, a comforting and solid warmth of chest beneath him, eyes that spoke too much and too little, voice that captivates and lulls him to deepest of sleep.

He remembered a pair of glassy, fear-stricken eyes that melted into the most beautiful bed of stars. He remembered-

_“The luckiest day of my life is when I met you, Kibum-ah.”_

So, Kibum sang, sang of tender embrace, of finding a way out, of not letting go.

“Don’t leave me,” he heard Jonghyun in between his singing, Kibum smiled, letting a tear rolled down his cheek.

How could he be so blind?

“I won’t.”

-

Kibum’s voice was beautiful, Jonghyun knew, he had always knew. He found the boy after all. When Kibum sang, Jonghyun could feel all the knots on his muscle fade away, slowly inviting him into blissful sense of comfort. The grip he had on his shoulder loosened as breathing becaming a lot easier. He closed his eyes, willing himself to drown in Kibum’s voice.

Time was a strange and foreign concept whenever he heard Kibum sing. Jonghyun was completely oblivious to its flow or how much it had passed since he called Kibum.

He heard a loud bang of door swinging open at the same time when Kibum’s singing left him. Jonghyun gasped in panic but it was quickly smothered away when he was pulled into an all too familiar embrace.

Jonghyun felt himself smiling in the midst of his tear-blurred eyes. His fingers curled around the material of Kibum’s jacket as the younger pressed their body closer, nose digging into Jonghyun’s shoulder blade and fingers clutching on Jonghyun’s own jacket.

“You found me,” Jonghyun breathed, inhaling Kibum’s scent until he was all he’s breathing.

Kibum did, Kibum had always did. All those years ago, he had found Jonghyun and had brought him into being. Jonghyun cursed his own foolishness; how could he doubt the male in his arms?

“I told you I will,” Kibum’s voice was strained and Jonghyun didn’t like it one bit (even if his voice was hoarser and more horrible than the younger from all crying he did).

“Did you cry?”

Kibum sniffed, “How could I not when you’re crying like that,” he nuzzled Jonghyun’s neck, golden hair tickling Jonghyun’s skin, “I’m scared.”

So did I, Jonghyun closed his eyes, “I thought you left me…”

“I would never!” Kibum pulled away, looking at Jonghyun with big, surprised eyes. There was hurt in his face and at the same time there was guilt. His bottom lips trembled when he spoke again, “I could never…”

Kibum faltered, not meeting Jonghyun’s eyes. He knew full well what Jonghyun was hinting at, his eyes always spoke too much, much more than his lips could utter. “Kibum…”

“I…” he paused. Mustering up his courage, he finally looked back to Jonghyun’s eyes, “I would never leave you, Jjong, not even if I want to…”

“You want to?”

“No,” Kibum pressed their foreheads together, tightening his hold around Jonghyun whose breath was tickling his lips, “I never want to either…”

Jonghyun closed his eyes and immersed himself in the feeling of having the other boy around him. It was amazing what Kibum could do to his being, it’s as if he had total command over Jonghyun’s every cells. “Then don’t leave me,” he pleaded, voice trembling, “Don’t…”

“I won’t,” Kibum followed the elder, taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes, “I will never leave you.”

“Then don’t”, Jonghyun whispered, holding Kibum closer, clinging onto him a little more tightly, a little more desperately ”don’t ever leave.”

Their lips were barely touching when Kibum spoke again, Jonghyun could practically feel it against his own, “never…”

-

“Kibum?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you a secret?”

-

Jonghyun refused to leave his room in their shared apartment for three days straight, spent another four days locked in their apartment before he eventually go out to buy milk from minimarket downstairs. Kibum was a constant shadow, watching his every action, watching every shift of his emotion, or the way his eyes would start to flicker in anxiety.

The rumour of Wefreaky J’s identity spread like wildfire. Their agency acted quickly, putting their people to work by writing anonymous comments claiming they’re someone who worked for the agency (well, they’re) and Jonghyun was not J but a manager named ‘Jonghoon’ who had bad history with fangirls before.

The official statement was a little different; our contract had forbidden us to speak about anything related to J’s true identity, we wouldn’t respond to any question. They didn’t really deny they guy could have been J, but didn’t affirm it either. It was better to leave it in grey zone, their CEO had said.

Kibum had took the matter into his own hand by impersonating J in his twitter; ‘Are you sure he was me? keke’ (in his own instagram he posted a selca that he took with Woohyun before Hyungseop’s fashion show with caption; _With My Hyun before Seop’s show <3\. J-hyung, are you having fun? keke_).

When the media (and fans) that camped around their apartment eventually decrease in number, their company had made them move to another apartment. The first thing Jonghyun did after moving was asking Kibum to go to the hairdresser with him because he wanted to dye his hair silver.

“Why this color?” Kibum asked, eyeing the hair dye on the table. The hairdresser was working on bleaching Jonghyun’s hair.

Jonghyun hummed, “it’s like starting anew, white and all.” When he turned to look at Kibum, his eyes were shining, “don’t you think?”

Kibum had lost count at how many times Jonghyun rendered him breathless so he settled with an amused smile and a. “sap,” to hide the pitter-patter of his heart.

The elder’s grin had his eyes swimming with stars. But as soon as it started, it ended when Kibum felt his phone vibrated on his laps, Hyungseop’s name blinking on the screen.

-

He didn’t agree to meet the model until a week since Jonghyun dyed his hair platinum blond (Kibum had always knew that Jonghyun was an attractive specimen, he just didn’t know he could look even more attractive with silver hair). His reason was always; _J-hyung is having a problem right now, I have to lay low for a while._

In total, it’s been almost a month since J’s identity was almost revealed. Both of them had refused to meet anyone but people from his agency, his family, and (very, very worried) SHINee members. Kibum even turned down Woohyun’s offer to hang out.

He wanted to focus on Jonghyun, only Kim Jonghyun. His best friend was unstable and Kibum dreaded the thought of leaving him to his own company. Jonghyun still spaced out sometimes, the other time would find him abusing his lips as he stared out the window, afraid there were still people waiting for him.

But he had looked scared the most whenever Kibum told him he’s going out; “I just want to buy food, hyung,”, “I’m going home for my clothes, “, “yes, I will return in an hour,” were the things he had been saying a lot lately.

This wasn’t the first time Jonghyun acted clingy around him (he had always been since day one), but after weeks of experiencing Jonghyun’s absence, Kibum realized he wouldn’t trade it with anything else.

It included the dashing male in white button up shirt and sleek black dress pants, sitting by the window with two cups of steaming coffee in front of him. Hyungseop smiled, revealing a row of white, pearly teeth. He smiled back but his lips were taut. Kibum felt his heart stirred but the spark wasn’t there.

“Long time no see,” the model greeted when Kibum sat in the chair across him.

Kibum leaned back to the chair, secretly appraising him. He was fine, _damn fine_ , according to Woohyun. He was a catch, an adonis, and Kibum was the lucky one who had him twirled around his fingers.

Park Hyungseop was perfect,

“How was J?”

The blond smiled, “he’s fine. _We_ are fine.”

Hyungseop raised a curious brow at the obvious emphasis Kibum put but he shrugged him off. Kibum only smiled wider. “I’m glad, I was worried when Woohyun told me you left in the middle of the show, then I heard about the rumor. It must be bad.”

“You had no idea,” Kibum laughed, stirring his coffee with a silver spoon, “We could hardly leave the house.”

Hyungseop chuckled, looking at Kibum who held his stare, “I’m always curious,” he started, “you never tell me about him either. Is he that important that even your company treated him like a national-level top secret?”

“You had no idea,” he repeated, “he is much more important.”

“Oh,” the taller male raised another brow in curiosity and amusement, he took a sip of his coffee before continuing, “how could I when you never tell me about him at all except that he’s amazing musician who lived together with you at times”

Kibum laughed. He never talk about J, Jonghyun to Hyungseop aside from the things Hyungseop mentioned earlier. He never talk about J to Woohyun either; there was never a need to, not until today.

“J-hyung is...a very large part of my life, “ Kibum began, he pictured the older yet shorter and much buffer male in his mind, “he is like a puppy, a lot like a puppy, my first puppy before Comme des and Garcons.”

Hyungseop smiled, Kibum thought he looked sincere but who knew because there was a slight frown on his face, “you must like him a lot then, you like your puppies.”

Another laugh, Kibum leaned back to his chair, “Like? That was an understatement; I _love_ my puppies.” The frown was here now, clear and open. Kibum bit his lips, looking down at his own reflection on the brown liquid, “They, he is my pride.”

Hyungseop was quiet, his hand was still on the porcelain handle.

“I wouldn’t be here without J-hyung and he certainly wouldn’t be here without me either-”

“Are you going to say you complete each other because it’d be my cue to ask; where do i come in then?” Hyungseop cut in, sharp and blunt.

His heart stung. He stared at the man in front of him, the man who had charmed him and made him smile. The time they spent together was fleeting but it was beautiful, it was one of the happiest moment in Kibum’s life.

But there was Jonghyun, Jonghyun who had spent decades with him and was still willing to stay for another hundreds and millions. Jonghyun who had inspired him and was inspired by him, with his adoring gaze and sincere smile, with touch that left fire of comfort on its wake; with eyes that spoke much more than words could contain.

“I don’t know, you only complete something when you’re different with it, I think you do,” Kibum paused, smiling, “you _did_.”

“Kibum,” the said male raised his hand, asking a permission to continue which Hyungseop gave with a curt nod.

He could practically see the apprehension on Hyungseop’s eyes; eyes that he had loved and probably had loved him back in return. “We’re so alike, me and J-hyung, sometimes I forget where ‘I’ stopped and ‘he’ began. There’s more of him inside of me than myself...”

Hyungseop looked down, he probably knew where the conversation was going and Kibum didn’t feel like beating around the bush. The damage has to be done.

“I loved you,” his confession caused Hyungseop to looked up abruptly, he could almost hear his neck snapping.

“Kibum, I!”

“But I have always love J-hyung, before you, before anyone, before I even learn what ‘love’ is, I have loved him. I just, it’s clichéd but I had been blind,” Kibum smiled sadly. “And I have always belong with him like he always belongs with me.”

“...I love you,” Hyungseop muttered, fist clenching on his knee.

“I know,” Kibum muttered back, “I did too.”

“Did you really?” he asked, sounding hurt. Kibum didn’t blame him. He had just told the man he (thought) he love that he _loved_ him but at the same time, he’s loving another man. But Jonghyun was different, he was special. Hyungseop wouldn’t understand, nobody would, and Kibum didn’t mind. He needed nobody to.

“...I’d like to believe I did,” he replied calmly. His phone vibrated on the table, Jonghyun’s name blinking. Hyungseop caught the name but Kibum’s fingers were quicker, he snatched the phone and slid the answer button, “Hello, Hyung?... yeah, I’m almost finished. I’ll be there soon... yeah, see you.”

When Kibum ended the call, Hyungseop asked, “was it him?”

How predictable, Kibum thought, smiling. He finished his coffee and said, “I promised him we’re going shopping after this.”

“Funny, it used to be me and you,” Hyungseop chuckled bitterly. He didn’t bother to hide he was hurt from the betrayal, accusation clear in his voice. Kibum thought of Jonghyun, of how he had somehow channelled all the frustration and agitation into his lyrics, giving birth to a beautiful, beautiful work of art.

Well, Hyungseop was sweet but Jonghyun had always been a hopeless romantic.

“I told you, before there was you, there was him,” Kibum said. He stood up and offered him a hand to shake, he smiled down at the model, “it was nice knowing you.”

Hyungseop stared at his outstretched hand before looking up at Kibum, “is this a good bye?”

“It depends, really,” Kibum shrugged, “you’re an amazing person, Hyungseop; you are perfect,”

You’re just not the perfect one for me.

“So are you, Kibum,“ he buried his face in his palm, “so are you.”

They stayed like that for a while until Hyungseop exhaled loudly, grasping Kibum’s hand in a firm handshake.

“Good bye,” Hyungseop said sadly, his touch lingered a little too long, fully intentional. Kibum only smiled as he unclasp his hand from Hyungseop’s larger hand.

“Good luck, Hyungseop. I hope we can see each other soon.”

This was a good bye, and it should have hurt a little but all Kibum felt was a strange sense of calmness. He exited the cafe and was greeted by a boy with silver hair who grinned a little too wide, a little too honest.

“Did I make you wait long?” Kibum asked, smiling.

Jonghyun shook his head, Kibum’s finger raised to fix his platinum fringe, “Nope, not at all. I just arrived. I thought you’d take longer?”

“Nah, it’s been a long time since we last shop together, I wouldn’t miss it!” Kibum exclaimed with a big smile which Jonghyun returned with even bigger grin than before. “Let’s go!”

All the while, Kibum was no longer aware of a pair of eyes that trailed after him. Inside the cafe, Park Hyungseop watched as the man he loved walked away together with another male who was shorter than him (and a lot shorter than himself).

He noticed the man had silver hair, covered with white snapback in contrast with Kibum’s black fedora. He might have been shorter than Kibum but no way ‘smaller’ than him; his shoulders were broad and his denim shirt emphasised his equally broad chest.

There was no hand holding but the way their hands often bump on each other, the all too natural touch, it was much more intimate than hand holding could be.

Park Hyungseop could be his hero, if only Kibum could let go.

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from AFF


End file.
